Last month I traveled to Los Angeles to celebrate the life of my paternal grandmother. Of course I knew her passing would devastate my family and I but I didn’t expect for the grief to affect me like this…
I have been down. Like crying in the middle of the day, not wanting to get out of bed or do anything productive type down and I honestly wasn’t expecting this type of sadness.
You see my grandpa passed away back in 2007. He had a much shorter life than my grandma even after he’d gotten surgery to prolong it. I was very sad when that happened but for some reason I don’t remember the pain of losing him hitting quite as hard as this most recent loss did and over the past week I’ve been trying to figure out why…
It was certainly not because I loved my Granny more. I was a much younger adult when my Grandpa passed and I didn’t think about the concept of life and death like I do now because I hadn’t had the experience of losing as many people as I do now.
At the end of last year, one of my oldest friends passed away unexpectedly at the age of 37. That gutted me but being able to go home for Rishonda’s funeral was made a little sweeter because I was able to spend quality time with my Granny. No way did I think I would lose her seven short months later.
“Life can be full of so many unexpected ups and downs.”
2024 has been an interesting year and I’ve had quite a few negative experiences but this grief is by far the worst. After sitting in it and doing much research I realized that I’ve been going through a process of grief for the over five years. I have had to cope with losing people who are alive and well. I’ve had relationships that I thought were going smoothly end abruptly. I’ve had people I love stop talking to me without explanation. I have chosen to remove people from my life for what I believe is good reason. And lastly, I’ve been forced to give up on the life I thought I was going to have and the person I thought I’d become.
All of these things have caused some type of grief over the years but I just hadn’t realized it before. Perhaps my ego caused me to stay focused on how I felt wronged by certain people and say “eff them” as opposed to actually working to heal the damage that was done. I needed to really be honest about how I felt after losing a friend that I thought I’d have forever. I think others perceive me as the “strong friend” because I’m naturally a pretty resilient and resourceful person but I can only take so much. I deserve to be able to lean on others too.
While sitting in this grief, I had very few family members call me and check on me. That caused some additional feelings but I’ll save those for another day because sometimes people just don’t have the tools to show up how you want them to. And they also have their own stuff going on that you may know nothing about. I’m grateful to have learned this perspective so that I can stop taking things so personally.
So what have I been doing besides sitting in my grief you ask? And what am I doing to feel better? I’ve been constantly telling myself that it’s OK not to be OK. The feelings I feel are completely normal because losing people is difficult. During this challenging time, I’ve decided to take full responsibility for my happiness and find pockets of joy whenever possible. I have an exciting trip coming up and I’ll get to experience some firsts there. I’ve also been listening to uplifting music (I don’t know if I should include the “Waiting to Exhale” soundtrack in this category but that’s what’s been on repeat the past two days), reading and listening to books, and taking walks to stay active.
Even though I’m experiencing grief, I still want my life to be great!
I still want to have good experiences and love wholeheartedly again no matter how hard that may be. I want to live my life in a manner that honors those who loved me but are no longer living. I know for a fact my Granny would want me to go out and celebrate her life as opposed to spending days in bed crying so that’s just what I’ll do. Not only do I want my life to be “great” I, myself, want to be that as well.
I know that I’m capable of greatness and accomplishing my goals but it’s been really difficult to pursue them feeling like I’ve been feeling but I think I’m starting to make small strides. Heck, even taking the time to write this blog or record a podcast episode is big for me. I enjoy writing and finding creative ways to express myself but for some reason I hadn’t been able to find the strength or motivation to do these things. I can’t even count the number of hours I wasted that could’ve been used to do something more productive. But instead of harping on what I should’ve and could’ve done, I will just do what I can to make progress toward this great life I’m imagining.
How am I coping with grief?
If you came here looking for answers on how to deal with grief, they’re not here. I’m still figuring some things out. I’m sure that over time things will change and I know the process is different for everyone, but here are three things I’m currently doing to make grief a little easier on me:
- I’m treating each day like a gift…
Each day is a blessing so why not do your best to enjoy the time you have left on this earth? I’m trying to do something I love, enjoy or need every single day. No, Alex that doesn’t mean eat cheesecake or cookies everyday… I’m getting back into working out more consistently to build muscle mass and participate in activities that can help me live a longer, healthier life. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m reading and writing and just finding ways to incorporate joy in my daily life because I deserve!
2 . Learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable...
I may not always know what’s next or understand why things happen the way they do but if I keep showing up and putting my best foot forward then maybe things will work out fine. One day I’ll share how this summer started off with complete shenanigans that led to canceled trips and me being in a very uncomfortable position but now I’m walking into much better circumstances just because I didn’t panic and I just stayed consistent in my belief that God had my back and that I was fully capable of making things happen.
3. I’m spending time with people I love.
My friends have come in clutch during these past few months. They’ve invited me places, worked out with me, allowed me to spend time with their families, took me to dinner, laughed with me, cried with me, listened to me and so much more. Even those friends who live in other states have called and cracked me the heck up on the daily so I will be forever grateful for the time spent. It’s helped me stop focusing on being sad while reflecting on memories with people who are no longer here and become committed to making new ones.
So what’s next?
I will forever mourn my loved ones and reflect on the memories I was blessed enough to create with them. And maybe I’ll always be grieving the person I was before I experienced certain things in this life or perhaps I’ll soon realize that I had to go through these challenges to become the person God intended me to be and get the life I deserve. Whatever the case, I’m happy I’m still here and I owe it to myself to do the best I can with what I’ve got. (Mariah Carey voice).